What is Your Image of Sex?

Disclaimer:

If you are very sensitive or easily offended by the mentioning of the word “SEX,” then you might not want to read this article. The contents of this article are very bold and forward, but I will be very tactful, decent and tasteful. Why am I writing about sex? Too often, Christians avoid real intellectual discussion about pertinent issues. This lack of discussion promotes ignorance and this causes problematic situations to worsen in our families and societies. My purpose for discussing this topic is to at least cause people to talk about what they are thinking, but might be afraid to say in public. Well, I’m going to be the bold one and say some tough things. You don’t have to agree with me, but you should have a stance on the issues discussed. Let’s stop running away from the three letter word: “SEX.” It’s not a bad word. The secular world has made it a nasty and dirty commercial enterprise. But in reality, it’s a beautiful and wonderful exchange of love created by God to be enjoyed within the marriage covenant (Hebrews 13:4). If it wasn’t for that exchange, you and I wouldn’t be here today. Don’t frown thinking about your parents either. (ha-ha)

We live in an over-sexualized society

Sex is a good thing, and anything that is good comes from God. But in all honesty, sex is truly over-rated, and society puts more emphasis on it then it deserves. I want to make sure that I do my part to put sex in it’s proper place in our society. Sex won’t make a relationship and it won’t keep one, so that should tell you something. But sex sells and that’s what advertisers depend upon to sell their products and services. Thin, buxom and scantily-clad women advertise to male-dominated industries. Muscular and well-built men advertise services and products to women. The physical features of the person have nothing to do with what the potential customers are buying, but people are attracted to “sexuality,” and “SEX SELLS!”

Young girls want the smaller shapes, bigger breasts, fuller lips, long hair and the like. Some of these women in commercial ads may be pretty, but don’t let the television determine what beauty is. A beautiful woman can wear a size 0 or a 12, or a 24. Beauty is what you see is beauty. If something or someone is beautiful to you, then it's beautiful. God gave us all the ability to discern beauty, so “Be beautiful!” Remember your body is God’s temple (1 Corinthians 6:19-20), so take care of it as best you can; be attractive and appealing; maintain those feminine qualities; smell sweet; do your hair. Men, take care of that mid-section, be well-groomed and shaven, get a hair-cut, get a clothing makeover, and look good while you’re representing the Kingdom of God, yourself and your family.

In general, men and women are beautiful creatures; however, some people tend to cover up their physical beauty by not dressing nicely, becoming overweight, not bathing and/or smelling nicely, not smiling and/or being pleasant, or having an unfavorable personality. Any of these things can be changed, so don’t worry, you can survive in this over-sexualized and superficial society. You are and can be beautiful regardless of what the advertisements say. So again, just be beautiful in your own way!

These sex-themed advertisements breed a sense of insecurity in men and women (young, middle-aged and older). A lot of men know this and play on the emotions of women. Women want to be made to feel pretty, appreciated, loved and wanted. There’s nothing wrong with this, but ladies, you first must be comfortable with who you are and who God made you to be. Otherwise, the enemy will send a smooth talking loser your way to tell you how beautiful you are and how he wants to treat you so nice, spoil you with gifts and romance you. [Author’s thought: That’s the oldest trick in the book. There’s nothing wrong with a genuine compliment. It’s nice to be appreciated. But ladies can be very emotional, so don’t get all mushy and let that go to your head. Keep smooth talking Romeo in check. Remember ladies, you’re a Proverbs 31 virtuous woman!]

Men and women usually annoy me when they are continually being forewarned about some gold digger or some guy and his sorry and tired "pick-up lines." I’ve told numerous men and women, “Don’t do it, don’t fall for this!” A few weeks or months later they tell me, “We’re not together anymore, it didn’t work out.” No surprise here, but these people who drop their standards, aren’t secure in God or in themselves and they let the slightest (non-substantive) thing spark their hormones. This society of sex is causing men and women to lower their standards for mundane reasons. Don’t lower your standards just to have a mate! Ladies, forget about your biological clock; forget about wanting to cuddle with someone at night; and forget about being the fifth wheel when you go out. It's not worth it. Strengthen and further solidify your relationship with Christ. Make sure that you are a complete single in Christ. You’re worth more than some of the people who approach you can emotionally afford. Keep your self-dignity and self-respect. Be patient, God won’t leave you stranded. If you can stand the stretch, God will pull you through to your victory! You may be growing weary and tired of being patient, but you can’t be tired of being a man/woman of God and a man/woman of integrity. You can do it! If you can be a successful single for one day, then you can do it for two, three, four, et cetera, ad infinitum. Take it one day at a time, folks.

A lot of times people associate insecurity with women. But a lot of men can also have moments of insecurity, such as: when men see women practically drooling over a very handsome man; or men may see a more well-endowed man than himself in the gym locker room. These things and more can affect a man’s self-esteem if he is not an emotionally secure person. Again, this comes from television programming, so don’t worry about someone else’s features. You are still attractive even if you don’t look like Boris Koejoe, Shemar Moore or Brad Pitt; and if your genitalia is not the size of a porn star’s or if you don't wear the gold packs (magnum condoms), it really doesn’t matter. Sure there are things that you can do to enhance your features, but don’t get so preoccupied with that to the point where it consumes you.

Sex is a learned act. No one is skilled at sex from birth, yet it’s like walking. You do it the first time, and you might not have done such a great job, but the more you practice and try it the better you become. Anyone who is good in anything has learned their techniques from trial and error, and repeat performances. My point is that anything that you practice enough you will eventually master. Remember that! Don’t let the media and pornographic movies convince you that you are unattractive and inadequate. A lot of men boast of their sexual prowess and abilities in bed. It’s an ego thing, male pride, and sometimes just flat out lying. Besides, you ARE NOT your sexual organ, it is a part of you. It doesn’t define your manhood! [Author’s thought: A very well-endowed man is not the average man. The average man is average sized, but most of these pornography actors are exceptions to the rule. Some of them are naturally built that way, but some are the result of pills and pump enhancements. So don’t lose your self-esteem over a gimmick. Sexual technique is more important than the size of your sexual organ. Some people make size the most important thing. However, I do believe that size does matter, too small and too big can be a problem. These are the types of discussions that need to take place between the couple, and if some sound counseling is to be done, as well. The couple knows the intimate details of their relationship and should know how everything fits, works and should feels. It’s an easy fix. Explore each other, find those sensitive areas: neck, ears, chest, or inner thigh. Men: find out how the clitoris (a very sensitive protruding piece of skin just above the vagina) works, be gentle with it though; see if you can find her G-Spot (it’s inside of the vagina and if you hit it, it feels like a soft piece of flesh). If you hit it you’ll both know it. Make sure you genuinely romance her outside of the bedroom, as well: talk sweet to her, thoughtful gestures, nice conversation, non-sexual touching, et cetera.]

Men tend to be very visual, and men who watch pornographic movies are watching women who are fulfilling their wildest fantasies. The men who watch them, want to do those things with that woman or that type of woman. Well, it’s a movie and the men can’t have that particular woman. So a lot of men who watch pornography either aren’t attracted to their wives because their wives don’t resemble these women, or the wives won’t perform the acts that the women in the movies perform or in the manner in which they perform them. This is why comparing your mate to other people is dangerous. If there is a sexual concern, the couple should discuss it and not leave it to the influence of a twisted message and view of sex. Communication and education dispels ignorance.

In an analogy, sex is actually like the spark plugs in the car. It’s a small part of the whole car, but it’s necessary if the car is going to run properly. Spark plugs are an easy fix and/or adjustment if needed. The love, respect, trust, communication, compatibility is like the engine. It’s the biggest and most important part of the engine, it takes the most work to fix and maintain, and it’s also the most expensive part of the car. But in today’s society in the Western world, sex is portrayed as this “it’s-the-end-of-the-world-if-I-don’t-get it” type deal. Sex is definitely over-rated in the grand scheme of things, but it’s always nice to know that it’s available from your spouse when you need it.

Sex is a pleasurable experience and an art

Sex isn’t just a “Wham, Bam, Thank you ma’am!” People who treat it as such have very flawed thinking. Sex is a fun, pleasurable and loving exchange that should be expressed solely by a husband and his wife. The mechanics of sex, however, need to be practiced and perfected like anything else. Why is this important to note? Because there are too many sexless marriages that exist, and there are too many married people who are sexually unsatisfied in their marriages for one reason or another. They are unsatisfied and look elsewhere for pleasure, i.e., self-stimulation, another partner, pornography, et cetera. This should not be the case, but unfortunately it is.

As far as satisfaction goes, some women aren’t accustomed to climaxing (having an orgasm) with their husbands consistently. An overwhelming majority of men have at least one climax whenever they are intimate. The women who don’t climax are either not familiar with their bodies, needs, wants or desires; she hasn’t patiently communicated them to her spouse; or he just doesn’t understand the female anatomy. Many frustrated men and women claim that they “have needs” (a need to orgasm/climax by themselves) and masturbate and/or use sex toys to please themselves. This is a very popular phenomenon, and it’s getting more popular in the 21st century. But I like to view sex as a ministry between the husband and the wife for the benefit of the other partner. Man should strive to please the wife and vice versa. There’s really no need for auto-sexuality (self-pleasure).

Again, why am I bringing up these topics? The Bible says that the Church is the ground and the pillar of the truth (1 Timothy 3:15) and the truth of the matter about sex in marriage is that there are still too many unanswered questions that need answers; however, the Church ignores these aspects and pleasures of sex, they only address the sanctity of marriage and that sex is acceptable only in marriage. Some people, including Christians are very sexual, but many people are ashamed to discuss sex and/or aspects of sex. The best way to dispel ignorance is to educate people. I blame the Church (in general) because God made sex to be a great thing in marriage. The world has twisted that great thing and makes it seem more fun, pleasurable and exciting than the original intent. Why are there so many sexless marriages? Why do so many people not want to please their mates? Sex is definitely one issue that needs to be discussed before marriage. You hear about salvation and Jesus before you accept Him, well the same premise applies to sex. Men and women need to discuss finances, schedules, duties/responsibilities, childbearing, etc., as well as the frequency of intimate relations both people would like to enjoy. If either partner has any intimacy hang-ups, things they don’t like or won’t do needs to also be discussed. A person with an unpleasant sexual past might bring a lack of libido (sex drive), or an unwillingness to experiment with new things to the relationship. Is the other person willing to deal with that? Will one person withhold intimacy from the other for an Unbiblical or illogical reason? Do you always need romance or can you handle a “quickie” or a “nooner” sometimes? [Author’s thought: Remember, don’t get all shy on me. We’re keeping it real, folks. This stuff needs to be discussed before you get married, or if you’re already married and have never discussed this, do it today. We stay ignorant when we aren’t educated. So ask these questions and everyone will be informed and know what is to be expected in the marriage covenant.]

Online dating

This is new sensation to meet new friends, business contacts or potential mates. There are many websites designed especially for dating, and sometimes you will see some encouraging success stories. People share testimonies of people meeting their spouses online (without physically seeing them initially for a period of time). This is comparable to our relationship with Christ. We have never met Christ physically, but the more we talk to Him and get to know Him, the more we understand, appreciate and love Him.

Along with online dating, the idea of importing wives has become lucrative and very popular. Some men pay tens of thousands of dollars to import and to naturalize a wife from third world countries. I know many men of all races that desire a non-American woman. There is a stigma on Western women. It’s unfortunate that any group of people is generalized, but there is a social engineering in existence, of the men and the women. Some men believe that they are better than women; some believe that women should just submit to whatever their husband wants, like a slave; and some men believe that marriage is a partnership. I tend to agree with the partnership philosophy, but like I mentioned earlier, some issues do need to be discussed before you walk down the aisle; you don’t want any surprises.

I mentioned insecure men before and some of these men don’t want an Americanized woman. I can understand them saying this, but some say this for insecure reasons. I personally know two (below average looking) men who had extremely beautiful, third world women imported to America to marry. The women’s idea was “my job and duty in life is to please my husband, and he will take care of me.” The women barely spoke any English, had no money or contacts in America. [Author’s thought: I’m just going to interject my opinion here, but these guys were looking for a love slave. I could be wrong, but based upon what I know about these situations, that’s what it appeared to be. The women were born in a country that didn’t enjoy real liberty and they had a chance to come to the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave and live a lifelong dream. All she had to do is marry an American citizen and submit to him.] Look at some of these Spanish or Asian women that you see in the States that aren’t Americanized and haven’t assimilated into our society too well. Ask the women if they would marry an American who will be nice to them, and take care of them on the condition that they give the husband unlimited sex every day and never fuss at him or question him. Those third world women will jump on that idea, and the American men will too. The women see an opportunity for a better life, and the men see an opportunity to have on-demand pleasure with less accountability. Most men wouldn’t mind having uninhibited sex. But what about having a woman with goals, dreams, visions and aspirations? What about having an intelligent woman that can think independently and navigate in this world independently? What about a woman that can lovingly challenge you or correct you when you’re wrong? A lot of insecure men don’t want to deal with that. They want someone that will fulfill all of his sexual fantasies, roll over and shut up until the sex session is over. These third world women aren’t as concerned about getting pleased sexually (as an American woman is) because she thinks her purpose in life is to serve her husband and fulfill his needs. An American woman WILL voice her displeasure at not being satisfied, and rightly so. A lot of men don’t worry about if she has a climax, I’m finished! A wife that just wants to serve her husband and be a sex slave wouldn’t work too well for me. Sex isn’t substantive enough for me, and it shouldn’t be for you either. I’d rather have someone with whom I can share my life and with whom I can enjoy a meaningful exchange other than sex. What about a woman who can strengthen you when you are weak? A woman that can support you spiritually when you need it? I think that a nice “happy-medium” between the two is a good balance. I would hate to think that the whole family would shut down spiritually, monetarily and intellectually if I decided to take a few weeks off.

Author’s conclusion:

The world in which we live is a world that was created with good things for us, not us for the things. Often times we let trivial and very shallow things consume our time and energy, and the more important and weightier matters are left unattended. Hence, the reason for this article. I would like the readers to glean the simple perspective and protocol of sex in our society.

First, it is sanctioned by God for the marriage covenant only.

Second, it is not the most paramount activity of your life.

Third, sex and/or sex appeal does not make you who you are.

Fourth, don’t let the sexy images of product and service advertisements dictate to you what is considered appealing

Fifth, sex is fun and exciting. If you want to moan, groan, shout, scream, do it. Have fun, don't be ashamed. Don't hide the smile on your face if your spouse pleased you. Express yourself! God is blessed when you enjoy what He has given you.

Enjoy the intimacy of being with your spouse. It is a gift from God. There are good, clean and sound (non-pornographic) books and materials on the market to help you understand the human body and enhance your sexual experience. What a man and his wife do in their bed is their business, so have fun. If you both agree, then do whatever you want and have a good time. If we keep snickering and avoiding these types of topics, it will only push people to look for answers in other places. So the Church might as well be providing the sound explanations for what God has created. There are a lot of hurting marriages out there, and there are many reasons for the problems they face. But most of the other problems, such as: finances, compatibility, and other irreconcilable differences are widely known and discussed. But the sex issue always makes people blush and stutter. I wonder if those people blush and stutter during sex. (ha-ha). Folks, I really appreciate you reading this article, it was a tough subject that needs to be extended in its content, but for the sake of the website posting I’ll cut it off here. By reading this article you have demonstrated that you don’t want to be ignorant, but you want to enjoy all of the blessings that God has made available to married people. Good for you! Happy loving!